{"id":32106,"date":"2022-09-10T15:56:35","date_gmt":"2022-09-10T20:56:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/6-important-truths-about-blended-families-and-the-church\/"},"modified":"2022-09-10T15:56:35","modified_gmt":"2022-09-10T20:56:35","slug":"6-important-truths-about-blended-families-and-the-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/6-important-truths-about-blended-families-and-the-church\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Important Truths About Blended Families and the Church"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"entry-content\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-image size-full wp-image-97381\">John-Mark Smith photo &#8211; Unsplash<\/div>\n<p><em>By Laura Petherbridge<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I hear this statement (or some form of it) at least once a month:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy spouse and I just came from a counseling session with our pastor. We love him, and he\u2019s a great pastor. The advice he gave us contradicts what I\u2019m reading in Christian-based stepfamily resources. I\u2019m confused.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This pastor likely wasn\u2019t intentionally contradicting the Christian blended family experts. Typically, church leaders\u2019 intentions are good and godly. They just don\u2019t know\u2014what they don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n<p>According to&nbsp;research compiled by blended family expert Ron Deal:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"font-size:21px\">\n<li>Approximately one-third of all weddings in America today form stepfamilies.<\/li>\n<li>42% of adults have a blended family relationship (with a stepparent, a step or half sibling, or a stepchild).<\/li>\n<li>Of those who get divorced, 75% will remarry, and 65% will bring children from a previous union.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>I\u2019m an adult child of divorce. I grew up with two different stepmoms and one stepdad. Plus, I\u2019m a stepmom of 33 years.<\/p>\n<div class='code-block code-block-1' style='margin: 8px 0;clear: both'> <\/div>\n<p>As an author and speaker on this subject, and as a child who grew up surrounded by stepfamily dynamics, here are a few things I believe church leaders should keep in mind regarding these families in their congregations.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>1. The stepfamily is birthed on loss. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>A death, divorce, or break up of the biological family resides beneath the newly formed family. It may be a fresh start for the couple, but the new marriage is built on top of the previous union.<\/p>\n<p>Anger, grief, loss and regret are just a few of the emotions often brewing beneath this newly-formed family. The adults, teens, and children are lugging numerous negative emotions and pain that isn\u2019t present in a first marriage.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>2. It takes the kids longer to grieve.<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Kids, at any age, are devastated by the loss of their biological family. We falsely assume they will recover quickly; in reality their emotions are merely stuffed beneath the surface.<\/p>\n<p>To the child, even an adult child, the new marriage is often viewed as a wound. It\u2019s the death of their dream of an intact family. It\u2019s the final nail in the biological family coffin.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>3. A stepfamily should form slowly.<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>The pain of death or divorce is so intense and unyielding that many people rush into a new marriage to numb the loss. It\u2019s the prominent mistake stepfamily couples make. Everyone needs time to process the changes.<\/p>\n<p>Consider this: After the death or divorce, the kids emotionally moved from the back seat to the front seat of the parent\u2019s life. When a remarriage occurs, it is exceedingly difficult for a mom or dad to then move them back into second place so the marriage can be first.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>4. The parenting dynamic is radically different.<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>At least for the first few years, the biological parent must remain the primary disciplinarian or boundary setter in their home with the stepparent alongside him\/her as a helper.<\/p>\n<p>Therefore, the advice given in typical church parenting class frequently doesn\u2019t work, and often backfires in a blended family.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>5. The marriage preparation is radically different. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Very few couples understand or prepare for the merging of the two families. This is especially true of Christian marriages because they assume that with Jesus as their center, they won\u2019t encounter the same problems.<\/p>\n<div style=\"clear:both;margin-top:0em;margin-bottom:1em\">\n<div class=\"centered-text-area\">\n<div class=\"centered-text\" style=\"float: left\">\n<div class=\"u279fb79e9b8086ff38500a92dbf273eb-content\">See also&nbsp; What Churches Must Do to Reach Gen Z<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"ctaButton\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>Unlike first marriages, before the couple can move onto subjects like love, intimacy, needs and respect, they need to have conversations about the former spouse and his\/her influence on their union.<\/p>\n<p>These conversations should include: visitation schedules, insecurities about the former marriage, whether the spouse is parenting out of guilt, how will they cope with the kids having two sets of rules, whether they will they bring another baby into the mix, resentment or anger about financial commitments to the other home, and future court appearances.<\/p>\n<p>None of those issues are present in a first marriage, and yet they are the key reasons the second marriage fails.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>6. Stepfamilies sometimes feel the \u201cneed\u201d to hide in the church. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>The shame and stigma of a divorce, second marriage, or blended family often keeps the stepfamily in silence about their family dynamics.<\/p>\n<p>Blended families can sometimes feel pressured to pretend they\u2019re a biological family. That is, until the day when someone at church says to a child, \u201cYour mom brought the cookies today, isn\u2019t that nice?\u201d Then the child screams, \u201cShe\u2019s <em>not <\/em>my mother!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And then everyone has a red face.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"has-large-font-size\"><strong>How can church leaders help?<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Here are a few suggestions:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"font-size:21px\">\n<li>Use stepfamily language. If the leadership\u2014particularly the senior pastor\u2014includes stepfamilies in his messages or teachings, it will become safer for others to talk about it. For example: On Mother\u2019s Day or Father\u2019s Day, include stepparents in the celebration.<\/li>\n<li>Use illustrations of stepfamilies in the congregation when promoting a ministry, mission trip, or seminar. This lets other stepfamilies in the congregation know they aren\u2019t the only ones.<\/li>\n<li>Have a separate or additional class for those getting married who already have children. Use Bible-based stepfamily resources to help the couple to learn about the unique dynamics associated with formation of a stepfamily. Tackle the common challenges they may face before the wedding.<\/li>\n<li>Personally, if I were the person officiating a remarriage after a divorce, I would require the divorced person to attend a divorce recovery class and professional counseling, if they haven\u2019t already. Many people sincerely think they\u2019ve healed and forgiven the former spouse, but haven\u2019t.<\/li>\n<li>Launch a ministry to stepfamilies. When I became a stepmom in 1985 there was no church resource to help me. Thankfully, that has changed. Good, biblical resources are now available that speak to the specific issues of stepfamily life.<\/li>\n<li>Use the stepfamilies in the Bible to teach. God\u2019s Word is jam-packed with stepfamily stories of hope, redemption, forgiveness, and consequences.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div style=\"background-color:#f2f2f2;color:#32373c\" class=\"wp-block-genesis-blocks-gb-profile-box square gb-has-avatar gb-font-size-18 gb-block-profile gb-profile-columns\">\n<div class=\"gb-profile-column gb-profile-avatar-wrap\">\n<div class=\"gb-profile-image-wrap\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"gb-profile-column gb-profile-content-wrap\">\n<h2 class=\"gb-profile-name\" style=\"color:#32373c\">Laura Petherbridge<\/h2>\n<p class=\"gb-profile-title\" style=\"color:#32373c\"><strong>@TheSmartStepmom<\/strong><\/p>\n<div class=\"gb-profile-text\">\n<p>Laura is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of several books, and can be found at TheSmartStepmom.com.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<ul class=\"gb-social-links\"><\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#000000;border-radius:0px\">\n<div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#333333;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:0px;border-top-right-radius:0px\">Dig Deeper at Lifeway.com<\/div>\n<div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:0px;border-bottom-right-radius:0px\">\n<div class=\"one-third first\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"two-thirds\">\n<h3>The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family<\/h3>\n<p>Ron L. Deal<\/p>\n<p>  FIND OUT MORE <\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class='yarpp yarpp-related yarpp-related-website yarpp-template-thumbnails'>\n<h3>Related posts:<\/h3>\n<div class=\"yarpp-thumbnails-horizontal\">  3 Ways to Reach Non-Religious People in Your Community  3 Reorienting Truths for the Discouraged Pastor <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>John-Mark Smith photo &#8211; Unsplash By Laura Petherbridge I hear this statement (or some form of it) at least once a month: \u201cMy spouse and I just came from a counseling session with our pastor. We love him, and he\u2019s a great pastor. The advice he gave us contradicts what I\u2019m reading in Christian-based stepfamily &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/6-important-truths-about-blended-families-and-the-church\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;6 Important Truths About Blended Families and the Church&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sermons"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32106"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32106\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}