{"id":32315,"date":"2022-09-10T16:04:45","date_gmt":"2022-09-10T21:04:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/5-ways-to-help-those-hurting-with-infant-loss\/"},"modified":"2022-09-10T16:04:45","modified_gmt":"2022-09-10T21:04:45","slug":"5-ways-to-help-those-hurting-with-infant-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.biblia.work\/sermons\/5-ways-to-help-those-hurting-with-infant-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Ways to Help Those Hurting With Infant Loss"},"content":{"rendered":"
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By Jennifer Peloquin<\/em><\/p>\n

As a pastor\u2019s wife, I know effective ministry can present many challenges. One of those challenges is how to minister to women who\u2019ve lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.<\/p>\n

As pastors, you\u2019re called to comfort these women. Despite seminary training, however, many pastors I know admit to being ill-prepared for these difficult times.<\/p>\n

I asked several women to provide examples of the best and worst ways ministers assisted them during their losses. I hope these examples help you understand these mommas\u2019 hearts so you can be better equipped when the next woman walks through your door in the valley of grief.<\/p>\n

1. Life Isn\u2019t the Only Thing That Begins at Conception<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Yes, life begins at conception. But that also means parenthood begins at conception.<\/p>\n

A life that ends before birth is still a life. A child was nestled close to his or her mother\u2019s heart. That truth will forever have an impact upon a mother who\u2019s grieving.<\/p>\n

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Often, when a woman miscarries, it\u2019s viewed differently than if a child\u2019s death had occurred after birth. For that mother, however, the loss may be just as profound.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cPeople will often overlook the pain from a miscarriage and give more sympathy to someone who\u2019s lost a child after they\u2019ve been born. (Crystal W., miscarriage at 12 weeks)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cApproaching the loss as legitimate and recognizing the reflection of God\u2019s image in the child that\u2019s been lost is so very important.\u201d (Amy R., two miscarriages)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cThe thing that stood out most was when people acknowledged that my baby was a person and didn\u2019t just treat the child like a pregnancy. [After a miscarriage,] acknowledge that the lost child was a baby and that losing a child is hard no matter how far along a mother was.\u201d (Heather D., miscarriage ten weeks)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cIt\u2019s like any other loss…I don\u2019t know that people who\u2019ve not experienced this understand it\u2019s just as much a loss as any other.\u201d (Janice R., miscarriage at three months after 10 years of secondary infertility)<\/p>\n

How You Can Help<\/strong><\/h3>\n

How can we practically acknowledge a miscarried child? Here are some ideas.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Encourage the parents to name their child. A name holds significance and, in future conversations, will give the child permanence instead of he or she just being referred to as \u201cthe baby.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cWe named all of our babies and always celebrate their lives. Helping me honor their lives was one of my favorite ways of being ministered to.\u201d (Robyn S., three miscarriages)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cWe were encouraged to name our baby to help us grieve and remember her.\u201d (Claire P., miscarriage at 10 weeks)<\/p>\n

\u2022 Create a reminder for the child\u2019s due date and contact the parents on that date. This lets them know you\u2019ve not forgotten their loss. Don\u2019t be afraid to ask how they\u2019re doing after three or six months have passed. You\u2019re not bringing up \u201cold hurts;\u201d you\u2019re addressing current grief.<\/p>\n

2. Understand Different Processes of Grief<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Another common thread between these women was that they encountered people who didn\u2019t understand their grieving processes. Every woman is different and will grieve in her<\/em> own way.<\/p>\n

Dr. Katie Garcia, a licensed marriage and family therapist, states, \u201cWomen who have experienced deep loss, don\u2019t journey through each supposed \u2018stage,\u2019 as if you should be able to finish up the grieving process with a nice, big red bow.\u201d<\/p>\n

How You Can Help<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Allow mothers time to grieve in their own way. If mothers are struggling to come to acceptance with their loss, consider recommending a female professional counselor.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cGrief is a process, and the death of a child is a grief that never fully departs.\u201d (Angel S., stillbirth at nearly 41 weeks)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cWe often feel the need to say, \u2018I know how you feel.\u2019 In actuality, we don\u2019t know how that person feels. We may go through similar circumstances, but everyone processes things differently.\u201d (Cheryl P., twin miscarriage at 12 weeks)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cIt was unexpected and gut-wrenching in every way. They [the church] came to pray with us and were broken with us. They grieved with<\/em> us.\u201d (Natalie C., Infant death at four and a half months)<\/p>\n

Remember, a lost child is a part of each church\u2019s family. As Christians, we need to come around families and grieve together.<\/p>\n

Many respondents had the experience of being told to \u201cstop grieving and get on with their lives\u201d or were told that \u201cGod must have wanted their attention.\u201d This type of advice makes a woman feel \u201cisolated and like a social outcast.\u201d (Claire P.)<\/p>\n

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See also  Is It \u2018Ministry Failure\u2019 To See a Counselor?<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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It can also contribute to a false sense of guilt.<\/p>\n

3. Avoid simple platitudes<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u2022 We know \u201cGod works all things for good,\u201d Romans 8:28. This is a true encouragement to some, but others \u201caren\u2019t ready to hear that the loss of their baby can in any way be considered a good thing or that it holds any purpose for their lives. I think this has to do with spiritual maturity\u2014knowing God can use your sweet baby\u2019s life by encouraging and helping others through your life experiences.\u201d (Natalie C.)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cWhat I didn\u2019t need to hear was \u2018God has a plan\u2019 or \u2018God must have wanted the baby with Him.\u2019 Oh my word, these are the worst things to hear during grief. What I needed most was someone to say, \u2018I am so sorry.\u2019 And \u2018Everything will be okay; I\u2019m here for you.\u2019\u201d (Jessica A., miscarriage at 12 weeks)<\/p>\n

How You Can Help<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Many pastors realize a woman is best equipped to minister to another woman through the grieving process of loosing a child. If you know of other women who\u2019ve walked this road, ask them to come alongside the grieving mother. This can offer an even greater level of comfort.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cThe most effective person to minister to a couple who\u2019ve had a miscarriage is someone who\u2019s experienced the same loss.\u201d (Janice R.)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cAnother infant loss mommy was the most inspirational and godly example to me of how to lean into Jesus.\u201d (Lori B., infant loss at 73 days)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cA pastor trying to counsel a woman after the loss of a child can come across as one of Job\u2019s \u2018counselors.\u2019 A lot of what Job\u2019s \u2018friends\u2019 said about God was true and right but out of place and offered no comfort at all.\u201d (Angela L., two stillbirths)<\/p>\n

4. Don\u2019t Hurt the Hurting<\/strong><\/h3>\n

We need to guard our words so we don\u2019t inadvertently hurt the hurting. This period of acute loss is a time to demonstrate the love of Christ, not a time to twist biblical doctrine.<\/p>\n

These lives that were lost didn’t \u201cbecome angels\u201d and our sovereign God didn\u2019t \u201cneed them.\u201d No, now is the time to minister through your prayer and presence. You\u2019re not expected to have all the answers.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cSo many women don\u2019t share their stories of loss because they don\u2019t want to hear the insensitive comments.\u201d (Crystal W., miscarriage at 12 weeks)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cUnderstand actions speak louder than words.\u201d (Claire P.)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cJust be a listening ear\u2014demonstrate real, active listening.\u201d (Robyn S.)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cPeople don\u2019t need to say anything. A hug and a \u2018love you\u2019 is enough with the power of presence.\u201d (Janice R.)<\/p>\n

5. Remember the Fathers, Too<\/strong><\/h3>\n

A final pattern that emerged was moms being concern for their husbands. While grief may look different for the mother who carried the child than it is for the father, mothers are still concerned about the pain and grief their husbands are experiencing.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cMy husband wasn\u2019t quite sure what to say. However, he finally broke the silence and said, \u2018Honey, this hurts.\u2019 I was so surprised to hear him say that. He\u2019s a man. But it made me realize we don\u2019t need to forget it\u2019s not just women that deal with the loss. Men do as well.\u201d (Cheryl P.)<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cWe didn\u2019t talk because we didn\u2019t know what to say. At that moment, we didn\u2019t know how to encourage each other, and we couldn\u2019t find the silver lining.\u201d (Claire P.)<\/p>\n

I hope our combined experiences will better equip you to minister to the next woman who walks our road. For National Pregnancy and Infant Loss month (October), consider using your platform to recognize this opportunity for ministry.<\/p>\n

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Jennifer Peloquin<\/h2>\n

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Jennifer is married to Heath Peloquin, senior pastor at Summer Grove Baptist Church in Shreveport, Louisiana. Jennifer has been the featured speaker at women\u2019s conferences and spoken alongside Heath at marriage conferences, bringing practical counsel from their time in ministry and as the parents of four children.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n