GIVING, HUMOROUS

Do your givin’

While you’re livin’

Then you’re knowin’

Where it’s goin’.547

A pastor was talking to his farmer friend, and he asked the farmer, “If you had one hundred horses, would you give me fifty?” The farmer said, “Certainly.”

The pastor asked, “If you had one hundred cows, would you give me fifty?” The farmer said, “Yes.”

Then the pastor asked, “If you had two pigs, would you give me one?” The farmer said, “Now cut that out, pastor, you know I have two pigs!”548

A family sat down at the dinner table following church one Sunday.

“The sermon was boring today,” said the teenage son.

“Yeah, could you believe how the pastor stumbled over the reading of the Scripture?” his sister chimed in.

“I’ve got to admit it was an uninspiring day,” said Mother. “The choir was terrible.”

Finally, father, showing his leadership, said, “Hush, you guys. Quit complaining. What did you expect for a quarter?”549

A rich man once asked his friend, “Why am I criticized for being miserly? Everyone knows I will leave everything to charity when I die.”

“Well,” said the friend, “Let me tell you about the pig who was lamenting to the cow one day about how unpopular he was. ‘People are always talking about your gentleness and your kind eyes,’ said the pig. ‘Sure, you give milk and cream, but I give more. I give bacon, ham, bristles. They even pickle my feet! Still, nobody likes me. Why is this?’ The cow thought a minute and replied, ‘Well, maybe it’s because I give while I’m still living.’ ”550

For Cure of Cirrhosis of the Giver

The disease cirrhosis of the giver was discovered in a.d. 34 by the husband-wife team of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1–11). It is an acute condition that renders the patient’s hands immobile when he is called on to move them in the direction of his wallet or her purse, and from thence to the offering plate. This strange malady is clinically unobservable in such surroundings as the golf club, supermarket, clothing store, or restaurant. Some try to use a fake remedy, pointing out to the patients that income tax deductions can be claimed for giving. The best therapy, and that which leads to a sure and lasting cure, is to get the individual’s heart right with God. This affliction is actually a symptom of a more basic need of the soul.

Prescribed Medication: Frequent doses of Romans 12:1 and Luke 9:23, accompanied by a dash of 2 Corinthians 9:7. This dosage will become quite pleasant if swallowed with a heaping tablespoon of Philippians 4:19!551

A wealthy Texan was in the habit of giving his dad unique gifts on Father’s Day. One year it was lessons on hang-gliding. The year before that it was the entire record collection of Slim Whitman’s hits. But this past year he felt he had outdone himself. He purchased a rare kind of talking bird that could speak five languages and sing “The Yellow Rose of Texas” while standing on one foot. The talented bird cost ten thousand dollars, but he felt it was worth every penny. This would be a Father’s Day gift his dad would never forget.

A week after Father’s Day he called his father. “Dad, how did you like the bird?” His father responded, “It was delicious!”552