SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

5612 Rolls-Royce Reasoning

Driving his new Rolls-Royce through the Alps, an Englishman had his composure jolted when a front spring broke as he was making a tight curve at high speed. After limping into the nearest Swiss town, he explained his problem by phone to Rolls-Royce, Ltd., in England. The next day a company representative appeared, replaced the spring, and the Englishman purred on his way.

Back in England, realizing that no bill had come through from Rolls, he called to ask them to check their records for “Swiss repair of broken spring.” A few minutes later, a most correct Rolls manager was on the phone. “There must be some mistake, sir. There is no such thing as a broken spring on a Rolls-Royce.”

—Tide

5613 That Printer’s High-Speed Press

Notice in the Corning, Calif., Observer: “If today’s copy of this newspaper looks neater, nicer and better-printed, it is because it was printed on our fabulous high-speed web press which was christened locally with this issue.

“If today’s copy of this newspaper does not look neater, nicer and better-printed, it is because no one really knows how to run our fabulous high-speed press yet.”

5614 No-Loss Chess Masters

During the Fischer-Spassky chess matches in Iceland, a reporter wrote about the 80-plus grandmasters who watched the world championship change hands.

The reporter noted that grandmasters, the top chess players in the world, “never err.” If the games take a different course from the one they predict, the fault is not with their analysis. They insist it is because Spassky or Fischer failed to follow the correct line. Since grandmasters are infallible, it follows that they themselves have never lost a game because they were outplayed.

Grandmasters only lose games because they get sick, or because the climate is too hot or too cold, or because they make a finger slip in a won position, or because an opponent cheats, or because they have had too much to eat or drink. Never in the history of grandmasters chess has a healthy player lost a game.

—David S. McCarthy

5615 Unlike That Pharisee

A Sunday School teacher had done a good piece of teaching her class of boys, explaining the hard heart of the Pharisee. What a thing for a man to say: “I thank thee, that I am not as other men are!” This surely was no attitude for anyone to take. At the close of the lesson she had the youngsters lead in short prayers, and one boy, without any apparent beating on his own chest, prayed: “We thank thee, God, that we are not like that Pharisee!” Do we sometimes pray like that boy? (Luke 18:11)

—United Presbyterian

5616 Stole Car To Get To Court!

Oldham, England (UPI)—A magistrate sentenced Junior Burton, 23, to a month in jail for stealing a car so he could get to court in time to face car theft charges.

“He took the car because he had no other means of getting to court,” Defence Attorney John Burton told the magistrate.

5617 The Accuser In Jury Box

Down under, in the southern continent of Australia, court was in session. The judge was on the bench in all his dignity. A learned array of lawyers was there. The courtroom was crowded, because it was a sensational case. A man was suing his uncle for alienation of affections. He claimed that his uncle stole his wife’s love. That kind of lawsuit attracts a lot of attention anywhere in the world, and it was one of the local sensations in Australia.

The testimony was about to begin when the defendant, the love-pirate uncle, rose and pointed at the jury. “Look,” he shouted, “look!”

That was when the judge’s eyes grew wide. He gasped, and his dignified British judicial wig nearly fell off his head. Consternation reigned in the courtroom—because, there was the plaintiff. He was sitting on the jury that was to give a decision in his own lawsuit.

There had been a slight mix-up when the jury had been selected. The name of the plaintiff had accidentally been included among those of the jurors called to serve, and the chap didn’t seem to mind it at all. He went right through the proceedings, ready to render a decision, presumbly in favor of himself. The slip wasn’t noticed until the jury filed in and the love-pirate uncle saw his nephew, big and bold, among the twelve men good and true. Whereupon the nephew did the Australian crawl out of the jury box, and the British courtroom was resumed.

5618 Self-Righteous Prodigal

On one of Mr. Moody’s western campaigns, he was followed from city to city by an aged and broken man of venerable appearance who, in each place, asked the privilege of saying a word to the great congregations. He would stand up and in a quavering voice would say: “Is my son George in this place? George, are you here? O George, are you here? O George, if you are here, come to me. Your old father loves you, George, and can’t die content without seeing you again.” Then the old man would sit down.

One night a young man came to Mr. Moody’s hotel and asked to see him. It was George. When the great evangelist asked him how he could find it in his heart to treat a loving father with such cruel neglect, the young man, said: “I never thought of him; but Mr. Moody, I have tried to do all the good I could.” That is a good picture of a self-righteous prodigal in the far country. He was generous with his money and with his words—yet every moment of his infamous life he was trampling on the heart of a loving father.

—C. I. Scofield

5619 One-Sided Bribe

Gov. Folk, speaking on “An Era in Conscience,” said: “Six years ago a member of the Missouri legislature accepted $25,000 for his vote in regard to a certain bill. Later he received $50,000 from the other side, and returned the $25,000. When the man, who had turned state’s evidence, related the story on the stand, the examining attorney asked him, “Why was it that you returned the $25,000?” The legislator drew himself up to his full height, and in a voice that showed his scorn of the lawyer for such a question, answered: “I’d have you to know that I’m too conscientious to take money from both sides!””

—Aquilla Webb

5620 Epigram On Self-Righteousness

•     We can be right without being self-righteous.

—Eisenhower

•     I always like to hear a man talk about himself, because then I never hear anything but good.

—Will Rogers

•     A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can’t talk about yourself.