ARE
YOU MAD AT ME?

Topics: Anger; Apathy; Arguments; Conflict; Emotions; Feelings; Insensitivity; Marriage; Needs; Passivity; Relationships; Spouses

References: 1 Corinthians 7:1–7; 13:4–7; Ephesians 5:22–33; Colossians 3:18–19; 1 Peter 3:7

Recently Jana and I weathered one of the most stressful weeks in our marriage. I had spent two weeks traveling for business, and now I had to prepare presentations to make to clients. It was also the week that Jana moved her mother into a retirement home. I couldn’t help with the move because of my work commitments, plus I had to spend time watching the kids while she got her mom settled. By the end of that week, we were exhausted.

On Sunday evening I ran to my office (which is ten minutes away) to pick up some work. I left without telling Jana. She was busy checking her email, so I thought I’d just step out, go to the office, and come back; I wouldn’t even be missed.

When I came home, Jana said: “Dave, you were gone for thirty minutes. You know I hate when you don’t tell me you’re leaving. Are you mad at me?”

I thought, Am I? I knew I wasn’t. But by leaving without telling Jana, I was being passive-aggressive. I’d had a couple of weeks where I wasn’t getting any attention, and I responded by becoming passive, thinking, I’ll just leave and see if she misses me.

Passivity, or not taking initiative in your marriage, is a spiritual issue, because underneath is a deep current that says, “My needs aren’t getting met, so I’m not going to meet your needs.” That’s a spiritually dangerous and crippling place to be.

—Dave Goetz, “Marital Drift,” Marriage Partnership (Winter 2006)