BOASTERS
For men shall be … boasters.
—II Tim. 3:2
509 Baby Food For Prisoners
Few prison rituals are more common than putting a troublesome prisoner on bread and water. Then came Dale Carson, a former FBI agent, to Florida as sheriff of Duval County (Jacksonville).
He discovered that the young toughs gloried in being on bread and water, because it proved how tough they were. They even brag about the bread-and-water treatment. So Carson substituted baby food. They eat it because they are hungry but they don’t brag about it. One day usually gets them on their best behaviour,” observed Carson.
510 No Women Sighted In Antarctic
Rear Adm. George J. Dufek, Naval commander of Operation Deepfreeze, tells this story of the day two airline stewardesses arrived on the only commercial plane ever to land in the Antarctic:
“The girls, ravishing in furs, were being wined and dined in the McMurdo mess hall. But I noticed there were some men missing, and I walked around the base to see what they were doing. I found them sitting glumly in their quarters, smoking, drinking coffee and obviously resentful. Their reason? They wanted to be able to say that, from the time they left civilization until they returned they hadn’t seen a woman!”
—National Geographic
511 God Could Not Sink Ship
“God Himself could not sink this ship,” boasted a deckhand aboard R. M. S. Titanic in 1912. The men who built the ship, the civilized world, the credulous public—all believed and boasted that the ship was unsinkable. But God was not mocked. It is said that when the captain gave the order to abandon ship, many passengers simply could not believe that the Titanic could possibly sink and refused to board the lifeboats. And the crew was almost criminally complacent. So 1,502 men, women, and children plunged into the depths.
—Prairie Overcomer
512 General Motors Spoke Too Soon
General Motors’ Gerstenberg told members of the Pontiac, Michigan, service clubs that G. M. is now conducting fewer recalls than in the past. “We build them better—much better.”
Perhaps he spoke too soon. Chevrolet dealers were notified for the biggest recall yet of the sub-compact Vega, inconveniencing half-a-million customers. It was the third embarrassing time within three months that Chevy has had to issue Vega recall notices.
513 Taxi Driver: “I Am Above Average”
During the course of his campaign for the Presidential nomination, Adlai Stevenson was being taxied to the airport. He introduced himself and struck up a conversation with the cabbie.
“People say I talk over the heads of the average man,” Mr. Stevenson observed. “What you do you think?”
The cab driver pondered the question. “Well, Governor,” he said at length, “I understand you, but I’m not sure about the average man.”
—Maxwell Droke
514 Perfection Personified
In basic training, our first sergeant made things very clear. He told us, “Don’t question anything I say or tell you to do. Don’t worry—I hardly ever make mistakes. Matter of fact, I’ve made only one mistake in my life. I once thought I was wrong about something. It turned out I wasn’t.”
—Dalex J. LeBlanc
515 Two-In-One For Bishop’s Son
A pompous young man called on Joseph Choate the prominent lawyer and statesman. The lawyer was busy and asked the young man to take a chair. But the youth was impatient and again interrupted the lawyer with the remark, “I am Bishop Blank’s son.” “Please take two chairs,” said Mr. Choate.
516 Croaking Crow Loses Meat
A crow sat in a tree holding in his beak a piece of meat that he had stolen. A fox which saw him determined to get the meat. It stood under the tree and began to tell the crow what a beautiful big bird he was. He ought to be king of all the birds, the fox said; and he would undoubtedly have been made king, if only he had a voice as well. The crow was so anxious to prove that he had a voice, that he dropped the meat and croaked for all he was worth. Up ran the fox, snapped up the meat, and said to him: “If you added brains to all your other qualifications, you would make an ideal king.”
—Fables of Aesop
BOASTFUL ANECDOTES WITH APPARENT CONTRADICTIONS
517 Two Skulls Of Paul?
A tourist in Palestine saw a skull in a museum which was labeled the skull of St. Paul. He went to another town, visited another museum, and saw another skull similarly labeled. He went to the keeper and complained about the affair. “Now which is which?” “Both,” said the keeper, “this one was his skull when he was a young man.”
—Paul E. Holdcraft
518 Quite A Feat For Lincoln!
Little Hattie. determined to give her hero full credit for his achievements, wrote the following in a history examination:
“Abraham Lincoln was born February 12, 1809, in a log cabin he built himself.”
519 Minister Gets The Dog
A minister who was walking along a road saw a crowd of boys surrounding a dog.
“What are you doing with the dog?” asked the kindly minister.
“Whoever tells the biggest lie, he wins the dog.”
“Oh, my, my, my,” exclaimed the minister, “when I was a little boy like you here I never told a lie.”
There was a moment’s silence. “Here,” said one of the little fellows, “you win the dog.”
520 Customary Procedure For Actor
“Really?” whispered the gushing girl to the ardent actor. “Really, if I refuse to marry you, will you commit suicide?”
“That,” said the actor with great dignity, “has been my customary procedure.”
521 Of Cows And Drums
Chang-three said, “We have a drum at home so big, when you beat it, it can be heard a hundred miles away.”
Li-four said, “We have a cow in our home so big, when she takes a drink at the south bank of the river her head reaches out and touches the north bank.”
Chang-three shook his head and exclaimed, “How could there be a cow of that size!”
Li-four said, “If there weren’t cows of this size, where would you get the hide to make that drum?”
—Chinese Humor
522 Of Spears And Shields
There was a man of Ch’u who sold shields and spears. First he praised his shields, saying, “My shields are so strong that nothing can pierce them”; then he praised his spears, saying, “My spears are so sharp that nothing can stop them.” Then someone said to him, “What if one should use your own spears to attack your own shields?” To this the man of Ch’u was unable to answer.
—Chinese Humor
523 Of Cabbages And Cauldron
Two fellows were vying with each other in telling the wonderful things they had seen. One of them said that in a certain land he had seen a cabbage that was so large that fifteen hundred men on horseback had gathered under it.
The other said: “I saw in a land a cauldron that was being built by one hundred workmen; and it was so large that they could not hear one another, so far were they one from the other.”
The first fellow asked: “What on earth did they want to do with such a large cauldron?”
He replied, “Cook that cabbage.”
—Italian Renaissance Wit
524 Epigram On Boasters
• We always weaken whatever we exaggerate.
—Jean Francois De Laharpe
• Few people need voice lessons to sing their own praise.
—E. C. Mckenzie
• The man who sings his own praises always gets the wrong pitch.
• Do you wish men to speak well of you? Then never speak well of yourself.
—Pascual
• “If a fish escapes, it was a big one.”
—Malay Proverb
• Sign in front of an Atlanta restaurant featuring fried chicken: “If the Colonel Had Our Chicken Recipe He’d Be a General.”
—Atlanta Journal
• James Michener confesses that he has been a jealous man ever since he heard of a Latin American author who came up with a perfect book title: Complete Works, and Other Stories.
—New York Herald Tribune
• A huntsman, searching for a lion’s tracks, asked a woodman if he had seen them and if he knew where its lair was. The man said he would show him the lion itself. At this the huntsman turned pale with fear and his teeth chattered. I am only looking for its trail, he said, not for the lion.
—Fables of Aesop
See also: Proud ; Jude 16; Rev 18:7.