Chain Saw
The story is told of the big lumberjack who bought a brand new chainsaw and was told it could cut down at least 100 trees a day.
But on the first day he only managed to cut down 25 trees. The next day he tried harder and finally cut down 33 trees. The third day he started early, worked late, and even cut his lunch break short, but he still managed to cut down only 48 trees.
He went back to the store and confronted the manager with his complaint. He told him of his efforts and of the results. The manager couldn’t quite understand what had gone wrong, so he asked to take a look. He grabbed the starter rope and pulled hard, and the motor started with a roar.
The lumberjack jumped back in alarm and yelled, “Hey, what’s dat big noise?”
Source unknown
Three kids bragging about fathers:
• First: My dad’s so smart he can talk for one hour on any subject.
• Second: My dad’s so smart he can talk for two hours on any subject.
• Third: My dad’s so smart he can talk for three hours and doesn’t even need a subject.
Source unknown
Bargin Hay
There’d been a long dry season, and there wasn’t enough hay to keep the cows fed, so Gunister and one of his friends decided to go into the hay merchandising business. They got a truck and drove to another state, where they bought hay for $3 a bale. Then they brought it home and sold it for $2.50 a bale.
After a few weeks in the business, Gunister’s friend said, “You know, there must be something wrong. We’re just not makin’ any money.”
“I know,” replied Gunister. “Maybe we ought to get a bigger truck.”
Bob Newman, Reader’s Digest, p. 67
Missing Word
Three contestants in a TV quiz show were down to the last question of the final round. The emcee said, “Come up with the missing word at the end of the phrase and spell it correctly, and you’ll win our grand-prize trip to Europe. Are you ready? The phrase is, ‘Old MacDonald had a ____.’ And remember, you must spell the missing word.”
The first contestant proposed, “Old MacDonald had a house— h-o-u-s-e.”
The audience groaned.
The second contestant tried, “Old MacDonald had a ranch—r-a-n-c-h.”
More audience groaning.
The third contestant got up and said, “Old MacDonald had a farm.”
The applause was deafening. When it calmed down the emcee said, “All right—what you have to do now is spell the magic word and you win our super-deluxe, super-fabulous trip to Europe.”
“That’s easy,” said the contestant. “E-I-E-I-O.”
Vyto Kapocius, quoted by Alex Thien in Milwaukee Sentinel
Level of Intelligence
William Ferguson, chairman of Nynex Corporation, tells this story about Albert Einstein in heaven:
Einstein was having difficulty finding people on his intellectual level to talk to, so one day he decided to stand at the pearly gates and ask everyone who entered what their IQ was. Before very long he was having a lot of success guessing what people did for a living on the basis on their level of intelligence. For instance, a woman was ushered through the gates and in response to Einstein’s question, said she had an IQ of 190. “Why, you must be a physicist,” Einstein said. “Indeed I am,” said the woman. “I’d love to chat with you about the progress being made in nuclear fusion and in superconductivity, as well as what’s going on in space,” said Einstein. “Please wait over there.” He stopped a man who was entering the gates, and the man told him his IQ was 140. “You must be a physician, probably a surgeon,” said Einstein. His guess was right. “Wonderful,” said Einstein. “I want to talk to you about the latest organ transplant techniques and their effects on life expectancy. Can you wait a few moments until we can get together?” Another man walked in and told Einstein he had an IQ of 95. “Is that so,” said Einstein. “So what do you think is going to happen with interest rates?”
Bits and Pieces, July, 1991