SELF-CONDEMNATION

5510 Sir Robert’s Speed Trap

Sir Robert Watson-Watt, the Scotsman who invented radar, was rewarded $140,000, the highest award ever made for a wartime invention. But while driving in Canada, he was arrested for speeding—caught in a radar trap. He wrote this poem about it:

Pity Sir Robert Watson-Watt,

Strange target of his radar plot,

And thus, with others I could mention,

A victim of his own invention.

5511 When Judge Steps Down

In cross-examining his opponent in Romans 2 the Apostle Paul silences him with the verdict: “Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things” (v. 1).

Early in 1975 Municipal Judge E. W. Thompson of Sulphur, La., apologized for arriving at court ten minutes late and explained that a policeman had caught him driving 42 miles an hour in a 30-mile zone.

When his own case later came up on the docket, he stepped down from the bench, stood before it, and pleaded guilty. Then he sentenced himself to a fine of $17.50.

—Prairie Overcomer

5512 Laughter In Hell

Asa Keys, a former district attorney of Los Angeles County, was convicted of conspiracy to obstruct justice. He was sentenced to serve a term in San Quentin prison. When the inmates of the prison heard of his conviction and sentence, they laughed long and sardonically—he had prosecuted some two thousand of those men! Hell will be something like this as relates to the attitude of its occupants toward one another.

—King’s Business

5513 His Left Hand Comes Up

A man named Patch having been charged with murder, his solicitor carefully examined the premises and situation, and came to the conclusion that the murderer must have been a left-handed man. The solicitor informed Sergeant Best, in consultation, that he had noticed Patch, when taking his dinner, using his knife with the left hand. In a conference before the trial, the sergeant pressed the prisoner to say whether he was not left-handed, but he protested he was not. When the prisoner was arraigned at the bar on the day of trial and was called on to plead, he answered, “Not guilty,” and at once, of course unconsciously, held up his left hand.

—Curiosities

5514 Punishing The Russian Architect

A Russian architect forgot to design an elevator in a twelve-story apartment house. Charged with negligence, he was given a punishment to fit the crime. The court ordered him to live in the twelfth-floor apartment.

5515 Contractor’s Prison

Not long after a wealthy contractor had finished the building of the Tombs in New York, he himself was a prisoner in it. In his prosperous years he had done business of a half-million a year. At one time, however, he was short on cash; he forged a note for $2,000.

When detected and convicted, he was sentenced to several years in the prison he had built, his last large contract. As he was escorted into the prison of his own making, he said:

“I never dreamed when I built this prison that I would be an inmate one day. But here I am. It is hard luck.”

5516 His Unbreakable Chains

In the Middle Ages a smith was imprisoned for some crimes, and was chained to prevent his escape. Owing to his having made chains, he began to examine with anxious interest those that bound him. His experience taught him that usually there is a flaw in a chain, and he hoped to discover one in order to escape from bondage. But suddenly he found on the chains some marks which proved that they were of his own making, and he had always cherished the reputation of making flawless, unbreakable chains. The unhappy prisoner immediately gave up hope of ever being able to get free.

5517 Safety Man Down The Stairs

Falling down a flight of stairs caused a middle-aged Kansas City man not only a broken ankle but also an acute case of embarrassment.

As a judge in a Cub Scout safety poster contest, he had just selected the winning entry. It had read: “Always watch your step while walking on stairs.”

5518 Bozo’s Neglecting Own Advice

Bozo, the noted clown of Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey, spent his later years performing for the American Cancer Society. He said: “I guess I’ve made a million people laugh.” His customary close of a show would be “Bye, bye now … and be sure to have your doctor check you for cancer.” He knew the warning could mean their life, or death. But he fell ill himself and learned at his first checkup that he was hopelessly beyond help—with cancer. His own advice he had neglected.

—Prairie Overcomer

5519 Man Couldn’t Recover Own Body

While desperately in need of money in 1890, a Stockholm man sold the ownership of his body after death to the Royal Swedish Institute for dissecting purposes. Twenty years later, he inherited a fortune and, being unable to buy back his contract, sued the organization for it. The Institute not only successfully defended its position, but requested and was awarded damages for two of the man’s teeth which had been extracted without its permission.

—Selected

5520 Use Of Berlitz Name

Many years ago the Berlitz family founded the language schools which are now famous around the world. They were purchased by the Crowell-Collier Publishing House which now operates the Berlitz School of Languages of America, Inc. The Berlitz family is no longer involved.

Now there is litigation between the publisher and the grandson of the founder over whether he can use his own name as a self-employed writer and travel expert. The litigation even involves the use of the Berlitz name by Mr. B. and the children. The publisher contends that Mr. B. cannot write about language under his own name without being guilty of unfair practices. The name, the publisher claims, “has become a unique and valuable property” owned by us.

The episode is not funny to either party. Mr. B. contends that a name cannot be bought.

5521 Boxer Knocks Himself Out

In the early ’30s, Louisiana State University had a six-foot-five heavyweight boxer, named C. D. Blaylock, who had an extremely long reach. In one meet he was fighting a stocky opponent from Mississippi State. During the second round, Blaylock wound up with a roundhouse right that was labeled knockout if it landed. To avoid the blow, the Mississippi State heavy stepped in close, and his head hit Blaylock’s right elbow. This acted as a lever and added power to the fist, which completely circled the shorter man’s head, ending up on Blaylock’s own jaw. Stunned by his own blow, the fighter grasped the rope and started groggily round the ring, then collapsed. He had knocked himself out.

—Collier’s

5522 Those Wrong Cigars

Edison was a heavy smoker, and he was annoyed to find that his friends helped themselves liberally to his expensive Havana cigars. He decided to play a trick on them. He had a tobacconist construct a lot of cigars made entirely of cabbage leaves and brown paper wrappings. He left these on his desk and, a day later, departed for a short trip. When he returned, his Havanas started disappearing again.

“But what did you do with those-er-new cigars I ordered?” Edison asked his secretary.

“Oh, those,” said his secretary. “I took it for granted that those were something special. So I put that box in your suitcase.”

“My God!” exclaimed Edison. “You mean to say that I smoked every one of those things myself!”

5523 Manila’s Investigate Boomerang

A businessman fell very much in love with a young hostess in one of the swanky restaurants on the Escolta in Manila. Determined to marry her, the businessman felt that he owed it to himself to make sure that the girl that he was marrying would not be a liability to his business. Hence, he hired two private detectives to dig into her past. When the reports were submitted after almost a month of sleuthing, she was given a clean bill by the two “private eyes.” They concluded that “her past and present activities are beyond reproach.” There was, however, one hint of scandal in that “in recent months she has been in association with a businessman of unsavory reputation.”

—Selected

5524 Mexican President Self-Destructs

The president of Mexico was once his own worse enemy! In the early 19th century, President Comonfort of Mexico, for reasons unknown, headed a rebellion against himself during the second year of his presidency.

He succeeded beyond his expectations, resulting in his own overthrow and exile. He died 5 years later in an alien land.

5525 A Church Collapses

A couple of years ago I read the story in the Oregonian, Portland’s morning newspaper, of a man who had built a Roman Catholic Church in Mexico. He used inferior materials in order to make more money. At the dedication of the building, the roof collapsed, killing many of the worshipers including the contractor’s brother who was the priest at the church.

—Minister’s Research Service

5526 Hollywood Play Becomes Real

Hollywood (UPI)—A Hollywood monster nearly scared himself to death one night. Kuldeep Singh, 30, usually gets paid to jump out of dark shadows and scare patrons of the Hollywood wax museum. What Singh didn’t count on, however, was that two of those patrons were police officers in search of a burglary suspect. As Singh jumped out of the shadows, Officer Douglas E. Elder pulled out his service revolver and was about to shoot. But Elder’s gun accidentally discharged and the bullet struck the floor. Elder and his partner, Officer James E. Heintman, later found out the robbery call was a false alarm.

5527 Heart Specialists’ Heart Exam

Some years ago, during the annual convention of the American Medical Association, a small group of doctors were listening to a lecture on a highly-specialized facet of their task as “heart men.” The lecturer asked how many of them had had a heart examination in the previous twelve months. If Time’s reporter can be relied on, not a man was able to lift his hand!

5528 The Girl Recovered—He Didn’t

Here was the weirdest shocker the news had brought in in a long time. In Canada, at Sudbury, Ontario, John Basok, a sectionhand, wanted to dance. He asked a waitress in the place of entertainment. She refused. Whereupon the sectionhand whipped out a gun and opened fired, shooting the waitress five times. She fell to the floor. The sectionhand, dashing to escape, stumbled over her—and broke his neck. The girl, badly wounded, recovered.

—Selected

5529 Ship Without The Bell

Robert Southey has a poem about the Inchcape Bell. It was a bell buoy located off a dangerous shore of Scotland. In a drunken spree a wild captain of a ship determined to harass and worry the people of the harbor. He cut the bell from its moorings and it sank into the depths of the sea.

Sometime later the ship of that same captain was caught in a storm in that area. In vain his men listened for the guiding sound of that bell, but they could not hear it. It was deep down in the depths. As a result the ship went down with its entire crew.

5530 Miser Viewing His Own Worth

One day a rich Greenock merchant, walking along the quays, incautiously missed his footing and fell into the Clyde. He would have been drowned but for the bravery of a poor man, who leaped in after him and rescued him from immediate death. The millionaire, after coming to himself, and knowing what he owed to his deliverer, put his hand into his dripping pocket, and rewarded him with the trifling sum of sixpence!

This caused a commotion in the crowd that had now gathered, and language more strong than select was hurled at the merchant of his unheard-of stinginess and he began to sneak off, actually afraid of something worse than hard words. At this stage a stout, broad-shouldered, dark-eyed, noble-looking son of toil came up and asked the cause of the turmoil. On hearing it, with a withering look of contempt at the merchant, he turned to the crowd and said: “My freens, yere a’ wrang. Let him alane; surely he kens the value o’ his ain worthless life—saxpence—better than only o’ us.”

With a shout of good-natured, but derisive laughter, the crowd dispersed. The speaker was the celebrated Robert Burns.

5531 Self-Alarm In California

In California, a boy was always eager as a volunteer fireman, always the first one to appear in the station, and even had the fire engine starting when the Chief finally got ready.

After 16 times of help like this, witnesses saw him dropping a lighted match on dry grass, and then speeding in his car to the fire station. He was charged with arson.

5532 Barlowe’s Medicine

When the poet James Whitcomb Riley was young he traveled through the country selling patent medicine. One day he came across a stone on which some zealous Christian had painted the question: “What must I do to be saved?” Underneath the question, the mischievous Riley painted, “Take Barlowe’s Stomach Bitters.”

Later Riley returned and found a third line had been written underneath his advertisement. It was, “And prepare to meet thy God.”

5533 Circular Argument For Baker

A baker living in a village not far from Quebec bought his butter from a neighboring farmer. One day he became suspicious that the butter was not the same weight, and therefore decided to satisfy himself about it. For several days he weighed the butter, and then found that the rolls of butter that the farmer brought were diminishing in weight. This so angered him that he had the farmer arrested.

“I assume you have weights,” said the judge. “No, sir,” replied the farmer. “How then do you manage to weigh the butter that you sell?” “That’s easily explained, your honor,” said the farmer. “When the baker began buying his butter from me, I thought I’d get my bread from him, and it’s the one-pound loaf I’ve been using as a weight for the butter I sell. If the weight of the butter is wrong, he has himself to blame.”

—Sunday School Chronicle

5534 Freezing The Ball

The score was 34–33 with a minute left to play in an intramural basketball game between the engineering and medical faculties at McGill University. The engineers grabbed the ball and “froze” it with some deft passwork. Then the final whistle sounded—and they learned they were the team with 33.

—Canadian Press

5535 To Acclaim The “Boston Strangler”

Without a dissenting vote, the Texas House of Representatives passed a resolution last week praising one Albert DeSalvo for “noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology,” which had made him “an acknowledged leader in his field.” It also applauded his “dedicated devotion to his work.” Introduced by Representative Tom Moore, Jr., of Waco to demonstrate how thoughtlessly state legislators often vote on obscure and special bills, the resolution honored a man now serving a life sentence for armed robbery and assault—and more commonly known as the self-proclaimed “Boston Strangler.”

5536 Invitations Not Mailed

Oscar Wilde told of his Aunt Jane, who died of mortification when no one came to her grand ball. She died without knowing that she had failed to mail the invitations.

5537 Cool Or Hot Compliment?

A friend of Mildred Miller, Cincinnati Enquirer columnist, has been trying for years to break himself of an embarrassing habit of putting his foot in his mouth. One of his recent performances occurred at a dinner. He had it all figured out that a complimentary expression to use on any woman on that hot night was to tell how cool she looked. But when his first opportunity came, he rushed up to an acquaintance and blurted out, “You don’t look so hot!”

—Boston Daily Globe

5538 Cookbook And Stomach Pump

From the Eugene, Ore., Register Guard: “The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to Sacred Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.”

5539 Shoe Sign Helped Lawmen

A common shoe in Mexico is simply two straps riveted to a piece of old tire which forms the sole. A notorious fugitive from a jail there was recaptured by lawmen who followed his tracks:

Goodyear 6.00–16 on the left foot, and Firestone 6.70–15, right.

—Holiday

5540 Cab Too Speedy

A cab driver in Los Angeles received a radio call to pick up a fare at a certain address. Luckily, he happened to be driving past the house as the call came in. The woman who ordered the cab had just hung up the phone when he rang the doorbell. “How’s this for service?” the driver said with a grin.

“Anybody who drives as fast as you must, I wouldn’t ride with,” the woman snapped, and slammed the door in the cabbie’s face.

—Funny, Funny World

5541 Those Sandwiches!

It was lunch time. The elderly worker opened his lunch box, looked in and growled, “Cheese sandwiches! Cheese sandwiches! Always cheese sandwiches!”

“Why don’t you ask your wife to make some other kind?” asked a fellow worker.

“Wife? Who’s married? I make these myself!”

—Equitable Reserve

5542 “You Forgot Me!”

Tension mounted as members of the senate committee argued a procedural point. “You are nothing but a crooked, lying, over- inflated bag of wind,” one committee member fired.

“And you,” said another, “are the most consummate, unmitigated jackass that ever lived.”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” interrupted the chairman. “You forgot I am present.”

—Leiberman

5543 Epigram On Self-Condemnation

•     As you make your bed, so you must lie on it.

—English Proverb

•     Sheriff addressing a TV audience in a Florida town: “I will wipe out prostitution if I have to tie up all my men to do it.”

•     A pompous, inflated Congressman once remarked to Horace Greeley: “I am a self-made man.”

To which Greeley replied, “Well, sir, that relieves the Almighty of a great responsibility.”

•     In Aberman, Wales, persons living near a plant that makes smokeless fuel have demanded that it be closed because smoke belching from the factory blackens everything in the area.

•     On Station KABL, Oakland, Calif: “After this announcement, we will continue with our uninterrupted music.”

—San Francisco Chronicle