SELF-DELUSION
5556 Christ Not A Jew
Hitler’s propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels said: “Christ cannot possibly have been a Jew. I don’t have to prove that scientifically. It is a fact.”
5557 The Ostrich
“When an ostrich buries its head in the ground to avoid unpleasant facts, it not only represents an undignified spectable, it also constitutes an irresistible target.”
5558 The High Fence
On a prominent boulevard in Chicago there stood for many years a fence eighteen-feet high, erected by a woman who imagined her neighbor was peering into her windows. While it effectually cut off the in-look, it shut the sunshine out of her own yard, ruined the lawn and cast a shadow upon the house. Spite and resentment always cast the heaviest shadow over the heart that harbors them, and shut out the sunshine of life.
—Adult Bible Class
5559 Emperor Of United States
America’s only emperor lived in San Francisco in the last century and was mildly mad. Noblest and best-known of all early California characters, Joshua A. Norton was a successful businessman when speculation in the rice market brought financial ruin. Whether this clouded his mind or he started it as a joke, he began telling everyone he was “Emperor of these United States.”
This thought grew into an obsession, until in 1859, he officially claimed, in printed proclamation, himself to be emperor by an 1853 act of the California legislature. He assumed a sword and plume and strutted the streets in colorful costume.
Citizens of San Francisco were amused by the harmless ploy and went along with the self-styled emperor. They gave him recognition through free tickets to opening nights, and newspaper publicity, and by permitting him to collect small taxes and issue his own currency. It was all done in fun, and the emperor became a fixture in the city for several years.
However, all of this was very serious to him and he believed in his position. When tension developed in Mexico, he expanded his authority to “emperor of these United States and Protector of Mexico.” When the tragic figure-object of many practical jokes died in 1880, he had ten thousand curious citizens at his funeral. He had lived and died in his own delusions.
—C. R. Hembree
5560 Jordanian King’s Two Mirrors
The governor of Leeds Prison, in England, was formerly the aide-de-camp to King Abdullah of Jordan. He told how the King had two mirrors which he used in rooms where he entertained guests. One, which made people look thin, was put in the room where guests assembled before dinner. The other, which made people look fat, was put in the salon to which guests moved after eating.
—Eternity
5561 Traffic Victim Was Own Son
Down in Florida some time ago, a twelve-year-old boy was struck by a car as he rode his bicycle home from school. The driver fled the scene, leaving the boy’s broken and bleeding body in the street.
When officers arrived at the victim’s home to notify the parents of the tragedy, they were amazed to find the wanted car there. The father was discovered hiding in the attic, unaware until then that the victim was his own son. The father was sentenced to five years in state prison. His term in the prison of guilt, however, is probably for life. Thus one man’s wrongdoing came dramatically and swiftly upon his own head.
—Stanley C. Baldwin
5562 “Us Orientals”
When northern Florida’s Flagler County was told to integrate its dual school system, the school board made a bizarre response. How could they comply, asked the board members, when no one had ever given them a legal definition of a Negro? The Department of Health, Education and Welfare duly moved to fill the bureaucratic gap. Negroes, it explained, were “persons considered by themselves, by the school or by the community to be of African or Negro origin.” The same sort of definition, added HEW, held for Orientals, Chicanos and Indians.
At that, the Flagler County school board pronounced all its teachers and students Orientals because they were so “considered by the school.” Thus only one race attended classes in the county, and no discrimination was possible.
It took a federal district court ban to end the Florida “absurdity.” Said Chief Judge R. Brown, in reviewing the case for the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals: “This court has seen, heard, or thought of everything—everything, that is until today.”
—Time
5563 Killing The Arab Guide
Sir Samuel Baker relates the following incident: “Many years ago, when Egyptian troops first conquered Nubia, a regiment was destroyed by thirst in crossing the Nubian desert. The men, being upon a limited allowance of water, suffered from extreme thirst, and, deceived by the appearance of a mirage that exactly resembled a beautiful lake, they insisted on being taken to its banks by the Arab guide.
It was in vain that the guide assured them that the lake was unreal, and he refused to lose precious time by wandering from his course. Words led to blows, and he was killed by the soldiers, whose lives depended upon his guidance.
At length the delusion vanished—the fatal lake had turned to burning sand! Raging thirst and horrible despair! the pathless desert and the murdered guide! Lost! lost! all lost! Not a man ever left the desert, but they were subsequently discovered, parched and withered corpses, by the Arabs sent upon the search.
5564 Dedicated Land Without Revenue
In 1478, a solemn deed was drawn up, signed, sealed and recorded, in which Louis XI conveyed to the Virgin Mary the whole country of Boulogne, France, but reserved to himself, for his own use, all the revenues thereof. He deluded himself with the idea that he had done a generous and pious thing, when he had done nothing.
5565 Destroying The Microscope
Many years ago, while on a visit to England, a wealthy Chinese businessman was fascinated by a powerful microscope. Looking through its lens to study crystals and the petals of flowers, he was amazed at their beauty and detail. So he decided to purchase one of these devices and take it back to China. He thoroughly enjoyed using it until one day he examined some rice he was planning to eat for dinner.
Much to his dismay, he discovered that tiny, living creatures were crawling in it. Since he was especially fond of this staple food in his daily diet, he wondered what to do. Finally he concluded that there was only one way out of this dilemma: he would destroy the instrument that caused him to discover the distaseful fact! So he smashed the microscope to pieces.
—Our Daily Bread
5566 California’s Uphill Yet Downhill
In certain areas the contour of hills gives a tremendous illusion that the law of gravity is askew. Near Los Angeles there is a hill where thousands of motorists stop their cars, shut off the engines, release the brakes and seemingly roll uphill. But if a plumb lever is placed on the ground where the cars “roll up the hill,” it can be seen immediately that the cars are actually rolling downhill. The eyes can be deceived; the lever cannot.
—Donald Grey Barnhouse
5567 Upside-Down 9
A man was making money fast by loans at 9 percent. A customer asked if he didn’t fear the Lord was frowning on such questionable transactions. “Ah, no, my friend, when the Lord looks down on the 9 it looks like a 6.”
5568 Her Checkbook Without Cents
A woman we know who could never keep her checkbook straight has solved her problem very neatly. It’s an unorthodox method, but one that’s enabled her to set up a Christmas-shopping fund as well. All she does is keep her checkbook without any cents. If a bill is for $7.20, she makes out a check for that amount, but in recording it and subtracting the amount from her balance, she calls it $8. If the amount is for $10.74, she enters $11. At the end of a month, after making out countless household and personal checks, she has a balance of about $20 that she thinks she spent but didn’t. And at the end of the year, there it is—her Christmas fund.
—New York Sun
5569 Sculptor Removed Imaginary Defects
Michaelangelo was requested by the Gonfaloniere Soderini at Florence to form a giant statue out of a misshapen block. He accepted the task and succeeded in producing a beautiful figure which now stands in front of the Palazzo Vecchio.
The statue being finished, the Gonfaloniere came to inspect and criticized its nose, wishing some reduction to its size. Michaelangelo mounted the scaffold, and, giving a few harmless blows on the stone, let fall a handful of marble dust which he had secretly scrapped up from the floor below. Descending from the scaffold, he turned to the Gonfaloniere for approval. “Ay,” exclaimed the sagacious critic, “this is excellent: now you have given it life indeed.”
5570 Tickling The Oyster
Starfish make a delicious meal out of raw oysters. To procure their dinner they have to perform a delicate operation.
Thousands of starfish in a school make friends with the oysters. As the oysters open up in search of fine forms of food floating in the sea, the starfish tickle them under the “chin.”
The tickling pleases the stupid oyster, and it opens its shell still wider. Then the wily starfish goes after the oyster’s heart.
It is not heart like a man has, but the oyster’s heart is a certain vital spot, known to both starfish and expert oyster fishermen. Push on that spot and the oyster dies.
—Prairie Overcomer
5571 Boy Slipped In The Letter
“James, my son, take this letter to the post office and pay postage on it.”
The boy James returned after an absence of some few minutes, highly elated and said:
“Father, I’ve seen a lot of men putting letters in a little place and when no one was looking I slipped in yours for nothing.”
—Ram’s Horn
5572 Elephant’s Trick
It is said that the elephant before drinking in the water, troubles the water with his feet in order that he may not see his own deformity. This applies especially to old elephants with hollow eyes, pale cheeks and a wrinkled front.
—Spencer
5573 Stealing Bell With Shut Ears
At the time of the Warring States when Fan-Shih was subjugated by Chih-Pai, someone stole a bell from Fan-Shih carrying it on his shoulder. As it was being carried thus, the bell rang, “ding dong”. Fearing that the others would hear the sound, the thief immediately covered his ears with his hands. In so doing he was not able to hear the ringing and he thought others would not hear it either.
There are many fooling people in the world, who when they do evil or commit sin, try by every means to hide their deeds, thinking that they will not be found out. Such stupidity is just like this man’s.
—Selected
5574 No Touch-Up Photos
It was necessary for me some years ago to get some passport photographs. Awful agony! When I received the photograph from the photographer I opened it and, well, I was a little disappointed. So I wrote to the photographer, and he said, “Well, that is only a passport photograph. Would you like some touched-up prints?” That sounded better, so I ordered some. But to my disappointment the American consulate only wanted the passport photograph. I offered them the other, but no, they wanted the passport photograph that was not touched-up. The two were completely the same person. The touched-up photograph was what I wanted other people to think that I was; but the passport photograph was the ugly reality. And all I could do was to submit to the diagnosis, and give the man the thing he wanted.
—Alan Redpath
5575 Logic In Arithmetic?
“Figures can’t lie,” said the professor earnestly. “For instance if one can build a house in 12 days 12 men can build it in one.”
“Yes?” interrupted a student. “Then 288 will build it in one hour, 17,280 in one minute, and 1,036, 800 in one second. And I don’t believe they could lay one brick in that time.”
While the professor was still gasping, the smart “ready reckoner” went on:
“Again, if one ship can cross the Atlantic in six days, six ships can cross it in one day. I don’t believe that either, so where’s the truth in arithmetic?”
Then he sat down.
5576 Epigram On Self-Delusion
• Sign in a Hong Kong used-car lot: “We pay highest prices for cars we buy. We get lowest prices for cars we sell. How we stay in business? We are lucky.”
• Stout matron to friend: “I only weigh myself on days when everything goes wrong. I figure those days are ruined anyway.”
—Franklin Folger
• At Bergdorf Goodman’s a staff member was amazed to see a customer trying on a blouse with a blindfold on.
“But, of course,” a clerk explained matter-of-factly. “She’s getting it for her husband to give her for her birthday. It’s going to be a surprise.”
—Booton Herndon
• “I must be getting absent-minded,” said the old gentleman at the club. “Whenever I get to complaining that things aren’t what they used to be I always forget to include myself.”
—Roger Allen