TRIVIALITIES

For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears.

—II Timothy 4:3

6811 Ivy League Trivia Contest

Over 1,000 college-age students poured into Columbia University’s Macmillan Theater to watch the Second Annual Ivy League Trivia Contest.

The Ivy League contest is the biggest of many contests in which thousands of players compete to see who knows the most about things which matter the least.

Pennsylvania remembered the 1946 song: “Use Ajax, bumm, bumm, the foaming cleanser.” Yale recalled that Harpo Marx sold “tootsi- footsi” ice cream. But Princeton won the contest by naming Rosemary Clooney as the singer of “Come On-a My House” and identifying El Fago Baca as the Walt Disney character with nine lives. The winning trophy was a green 49¢ mixing bowl.

6812 Waiting Three Decades For Orders

United Nations (AP)—A group of uniformed American, Russian, Chinese, British and French generals, admirals and colonels met in the basement of U.N. headquarters to learn if their orders had arrived—orders they’ve been awaiting for 30 years.

The orders hadn’t come so they broke up after barely five minutes seated at a long table.

It was the 739th official meeting of the U.N. security council’s military staff committee and the first since war broke out in the Middle East.

But the Arab-Israeli conflict wasn’t even mentioned. All the big five brass did was approve the minutes of their five-minute meeting two weeks earlier and set their next session for Nov. 1.

The sterile scenario is repeated at two-week intervals.

“People wonder why this goes on, but the answer is relatively simple,” an American member, Navy Vice Adm. Harry L. Harty told a reporter.

“We’re part of the U.N. charter,” he said, indicating Article 47, where he had underlined in red that the military staff committee remains a paper command.

U.N. troops that have been fielded, as in Korea, Cyprus, the Mideast and other trouble spots, have been organized on an emergency basis outside the Security Council’s military staff committee.

6813 Typing To 1,000,000

Between 1988 and 1974, Mrs. Marva Drew of Waterloo, Iowa, typed from 1 to 1,000,000 words on a manual typewriter. When asked why, she replied, “But I love to type.” She used 2,473 pages for that feat of triviality.

6814 Studying Cabbage’s Sex Habits

The sex habits of cabbage are under study at the Ithaca, New York State College of Agriculture. Tax money funded the study through the National Science Foundation in the amount of $32,000.

Congressman John B. Conlan of Arizona, listed some wasteful programs, such as $121,000 to try to find out why so many people say “ain’t,” and $203,000 for the city of Los Angeles to extend traveler’s aid to people lost on freeways. Also $19,800 to try and find out why children fall off tricycles.

Senator William Proxmire introduced a resolution that an article written by Mrs. James D. Davidson, be recorded in the Congressional Record. Here are some examples taken from the Congressional Record: $35,000 for rounding up wild boars in Pakistan; $117,000 to support a board of tea tasters; $70,000 for a study of the history of comic books; $70,000 went to the study of the smell of perspiration given off by the Australian aborigines;$159,000 to teach mothers how to play with their babies.

All this nonsense increases taxes as well as inflation.

—Christian Victory

6815 Two Russian Guards On Lawn

This is a story about Russia in the days of the Czars. In the park of St. Petersburg’s Winter Palace there was a beautiful lawn, on that lawn a bench, and next to that bench, two guards. Every three hours the guards were changed. No one knew why. One day an ambitious young lieutenant was put in charge of the Palace Guard. He started wondering, and asking questions. In the end, he found a cobwebby, little, old man, the Palace historian.

“Yes,” the old man said, “I remember. During the reign of Peter the Great, 200 years ago, the bench got a fresh coat of paint. The Czar was afraid that the ladies-in-waiting might get paint on their dresses. So he ordered one guard to watch the bench. The order was never rescinded. Then in 1908, all the guards of the Palace were doubled for fear of a revolution. So the bench has had two guards ever since.”

6816 Halt To Climbing-Fish Tax

The strangest tax ever levied was that assessed by an Indian emperor in the sixteenth century. The taxpayer was the town of Dubalhati, District of Rajshabi. The town was so poor that even the most heartless tax collector could find nothing to squeeze from its inhabitants by way of a contribution. When this state of affairs was brought to the attention of Emperor Akbar, he inquired if there was anything—no matter how worthless—the locality might have in profusion.

One of the town fathers recalled that the only commodity that abounded locally was a species of walking and climbing fish. The monarch was intrigued. He was told that the river of Dubalhati swarmed with climbing perch, about 6 inches long, useless and inedible but endowed with the curious capacity of taking long hikes on dry land and even climbing trees. Thereupon the emperor decreed that the town be required to furnish 20,000 of these wonder fish to the imperial treasury annually.

For the next 200 years around tax time the whole town was busy assembling the tax. A wiggling, writhing, slithering mass was then transported to the tax collector. They were then shipped either to Agra or to Delhi under escort. After 200 years of much ado about nothing, the fiscal official of the emperor yelled “enough.”

This climbing perch of East India (Anabas scandens) hikes on dryland with the aid of an air-breathing chamber above the gills. It climbs trees assisted by a spinous arrangement of its gill covers.

6817 The Do-Nothing Committee

Washington (UPI)—Senate investigators said they have discovered an agency that did almost nothing for seven years at a cost of $70,000 a year.

The investigators said the Federal Fire Council, which is supposed to meet periodically to discuss ways of preventing fires in federal buildings, held no more than two meetings between 1968 and 1974. Throughout the period, it continued to receive congressional approval of its annual operating funds.

The agency was established in 1936 to coordinate federal fire prevention regulations in government buildings.

The council’s executive director, William Hanbury, said the members “sometimes … get together on a Sunday and the navy will hold a fire-fighting demonstration for them.”

6818 The Outdated Office

Pierre De Gaulle, mayor of Paris, examining the huge Paris City Hall in search of space, found a sign reading “Bureau of Claims Payments for the Flood of 1910.” Two white-bearded octogenarians looked like startled Rip Van Winkles when the officials walked in. A little questioning produced the fact that the claims were all paid. In fact the last claim was paid in 1913.

But no one had ever come and told them to stop work, so they had been spending the intervening 36 years drawing their pay and tidying things up before submitting their final report to the city elders.

—The Christian Science Monitor

6819 Ancient Theological Debates

A French journal reports the discovery of a book of theological discussions written by some monks of early days, on questions such as these: “What was the shape of the wings of the Archangel Gabriel?” “Did Pilate use soap when he washed his hands?” “How much wine did they drink at the marriage in Cana?” “Are there any angels with baritone voices?” “Could Christ have changed himself into a Devil or into a pumpkin?” If a priest should be interrupted during the baptism at a moment when about to pronounce the name of the child, and should pronounce “Sapristi,” should the child bear through life the name of Sapristi? and is the baptism valid?”

6820 The Rabbis’ Squabble

Jewish rabbis wrote learned dissertations about such ordinary things as “whether an egg, laid on a festival day, may be eaten.” As foolish as their leaders, the people often arrayed themselves on opposite sides of such “great controversies.”

Swift’s satire was not too farfetched when he represented two great nations—the Big Endians and the Little Endians—as separating beyond reconciliation over the question whether, in eating eggs, one should crack them upon the big or the little end.

6821 King Was Molecatcher

You will have read, in Todd’s Student’s Manual, that Harcatius, King of Persia, was a notable molecatcher; and Briantes, King of Lydia, was equally adept at filling needles, but these trivialities by no means prove them to have been great kings.

—Walter Baxendale

6822 Dying For Lobster Sauce

The saying “to die for want of lobster sauce” means to die from pique, wounded vanity, or at some trifling disappointment. The background:

A grand banquet was given for Louis XIV at Chantilly. Vatel was told that the lobsters for the turbot sauce had not arrived. Whereupon this chef of the kitchen went to his private room and, leaning on his sword, ran it through his body. He was unable to survive such a disgrace as serving turbot without lobster sauce.

6823 The Frog’s Eye

Scientists have built a computer, patterned after a frog’s eye, that may lead to a new family of thinking machines for man’s benefit.

Explained an R.C.A. engineer, “The frog’s eye is a natural computer because it makes life-and-death decisions for the frog without bothering his very limited brain. It screens out everything not important to the frog, and transmits to the brain only those things which directly concern him.” For instance, the frog’s eye sees the fly moving away but doesn’t worry the brain, because the frog’s tongue couldn’t catch the fly anyway.

The “frog’s eye” computer, scientists think, can lead to new ways of interpreting information, even to helping men make decisions. A radar screen using the “eye” would see only targets moving at selected speeds or directions. It would screen out targets considered unimportant.

6824 Dog’s Citizenship

In Dallas, the Delta Air Lines reservations office received a call from a troubled dog-owner. “Can I take my dog on the same plane with me?” the woman asked timidly. The agent assured her that she could. Then he asked, “Where do you plan to go?”

“Well,” came the worried reply, “I’m thinking about going to Mexico City. What I really want to know is this: if I take my dog with me and she has puppies while we’re down there, will they be American citizens.”

—Air Travel

6825 Of Onions And Presidents

Here are a few items from historical records that may surprise you:

In the early days of the United States, onions were hung over doors in the belief that they would counteract diseases which might be brought in by visitors.

President William Henry Harrison, with a basket on his arm, did his own shopping for the White House.

The initial “S” in former President Harry S Truman’s name does not stand for a name. It is merely an alphabetical addition.

—Sunshine Magazine

6826 Chasing The Wind

You’ve heard of the dog that chased a freight train, and when he caught it, didn’t know what to do with it. I guess he had a dog’s day while he was on the run; but all his effort ended in disappointment. It would have been a tale with a different ending if he had gone after a cat or a rabbit; but he spent his precious energy chasing an iron horse that couldn’t reward him with anything.

—The Bible Friend

6827 Watching His Sweater

Two friends landed in New York City with a nine-hour layover between planes. With that much time on their hands, they hired a taxi to drive around so that they could see some of the sights. The driver showed them various places of note, pointing out their significance. He noted that his young friend kept his eyes on the driver. Finally the youth nudged his friend and whispered, “Look, he has his sweater on inside out.”

—Carl C. Williams

6828 Driver’s Lost Cap

London socialite Mrs. Michael Lewis apologized to her host when she arrived late for a party. “My chauffeur lost his cap,” she explained, “and I had to come by taxi.”

—Dallas Morning News

6829 Horse’s Traditional Position

Years ago Thomas A. Edison used to try to instill the rudiments of science into the head of his young son, and never overlooked an opportunity to use some everyday happening to illustrate some principles of mechanics. On this particular occasion, chancing to spy a peddler pushing a handcart, the great inventor cried: “Now there’s a good example. I don’t suppose you can tell me why he pushes the cart instead of pulls it. I don’t know whether the man himself could answer. I ll ask him.”

“My good man,” said the inventor, turning to the peddler, “why do you push the cart rather than pull it?”

“Cause I ain’ta da hoss, you fool,” was the unscientific, though disconcerting answer.

6830 The Fast-Closed Bag

Mrs. White was taken suddenly ill in the night, and a new doctor was called. After a look at the patient, the doctor stepped outside the sick room to ask Mr. White for corkscrew. Given the tool, he disappeared but several minutes later was back, demanding a pair of pliers.

Again he disappeared into the room of the moaning patient, only to call out again, “A chisel and a mallet, quickly.”

White could stand it no longer. “What is her trouble, doctor?”

“Don’t know yet,” was the reply. “Can’t get my instrument bag open.”

—School Activities

6831 Epigram On Trivialities

•     A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial.

—Clifton Fadiman

•     The man who fiddles around seldom gets to lead the orchestra.

—E. C. Mckenzie

•     The secret of John Wesley’s power was his kingly neglect of trifles as he mastered the important thing—the preaching of the gospel.

—Bishop Gerald Kenedy

See also: Curiosity ; Small Things ; Vanities.