Acts 15:36-40 – How to Fuss Right – Bible study

Acts 15:36-40 How to Fuss Right or How to Argue Correctly It may surprise some, but what we have here is an argument. And not just any argument but one between Christians. And not just any Christians, but some of the most godly Christians ever alive. In every relationship, there is some disagreement, but we are seeing things take an awful different turn in this age. It seems that during every major holiday, the news has at least one story of family members killing other family members. I recall one Christmas, I heard of three different sets of siblings who killed one or the other over disputes that had been on-going. Over the Thanksgiving holidays, I saw an article where a relative was being sought in the slaying of four family members who had lived around Jupiter, Florida. These are not uncommon. We have shootings involving adults, teens, even preteens who have allowed themselves to get so caught up in their arguments that they are turning to violence – often murder. If violent disputes between siblings and strangers were not bad enough, there is the continued escalation between husbands and wives and parents and children. I submit: 1. The days Paul prophesied of being people without natural affection is on us. \#Romans 1:31, 2Tim 3:3\ 2. That the devil is using our lack of self-control to ruin lives. Let me state two things which will be assumed in the remainder of what I say: 1. Let me say that some of the things that I say are the Pastors opinion and not directly out of the Bible. a. You can take it for what it is worth. b. However, I feel I have some wisdom on the subject. 2. Our goal is to disagree agreeably. a. Three are three steps to most fusses: 1. disagreeing, 2. fussing, 3. and sometimes there is strong emotion such as anger b. I happen to believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with any of them. c. Disagreements come from our differences. 1. We have different experiences, different callings, and different ministries which give us different opinions. 2. That is all right. God made us that way. 1Cor 12:4 Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5 And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. 6 And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all. 11 But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will. d. Even emotional disagreements are not inherently wrong. 1. Humans are passionate beings with strong emotions. 2. We must control our emotions, but God gave us emotions to motivate us to take action. f. Anger is the emotion that tells us something is wrong. 1. Again, anger must be controlled, but we often sense something is not right by the way it makes us feel long before we can explain why it is wrong. 2. Jesus got angry. (Of course, you and I do not compare on that point.) Mark 3:5 And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts. 3. But the Scripture teaches us to use our angry rather than letting it use us. Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 3. So, our goal should be to disagree agreeably. Tonight, lets look at how to do just that. What is the right way to settle a fuss? I. If you are going to go through all the grief of disagreeing with someone, reach a settlement. A. Dont waste your time fussing if there is nothing to settle! 1. It is amazing how many people fuss over things that either a. dont have a settlement, b. arent worth the time to settle anyway. c. …have already been settled. 2. If a thing cannot be settled or if it is not worth the effort of settling it, dont fuss over it. Titus 3:9 But avoid foolish questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and vain. a. Just let it go! b. Close your mouths, shut down your silent arguments, and enjoy life! B. Some people need to get over themselves. 1. I say that because some people are not able to quit fussing about things which can not be settled. 2. These people are just ornery and fuss over everything. 3. These are usually the people that have said about them, "You dont want to talk to them about sports, politics, or religion." a. These people will fuss over (1) whether the runner was safe or out. (2) whether you said it or didnt. (3) whether its your fault or mine. b. And the really pathetic thing is the incident happened ten years ago! They just keep it around to have something to fuss about. 4. To that person, I would say. a. Your opinion is not all that important. If it was, people would have converted to your point of view a long time ago. b. There is a Scriptural description for what ails you. (1) It is called PRIDE. (2) People always have an opinion and who are always engaged in a controversy are proud people. Proverbs 13:10 Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. c. Proud people need to get over themselves. C. To everyone who knows a person like this, you need to steer clear of them until they do. Proverbs 14:16 A wise man feareth, and departeth from evil: but the fool rageth, and is confident. II. When there is a legitimate disagreement, look for a SETTLEMENT and not necessarily an agreement. A. Paul and Barnabas did not agree in this situation, but they settled. 1. It may surprise you to know, but the agreement rate in disputes is very low! 2. Few people ever change the other persons mind by arguing. 3. However, if something is worthy fussing over, you should reach a settlement even if agreement is not possible. B. Unfortunately, most disagreements are settled either. 1. What usually happens in a fuss is one party or the other just gets tired of it. 2. That is, no settlement is ever reached. 3. They get tired of it until the next time a disagreement occurs and then they pull out all of their old arguments and rehash all the unsettled issues all over again. 4. In theory, people like this will one day run out of time to argue about anything new. 5. I have seen couples who have married a few years on the verge of a divorce, not because the issue they are presently upset is all that important, but because they have a U-Haul trailer full of unresolved conflicts. 6. It is this very situation that leads so many to become violent. 7. They probably dont know it, but the reason they are so volatile is because they have a thousands unresolved emotional sores festering in their soul. C. Friend, if anything is worth fussing over, it is worth settling. Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 1. You say, "There is no settlement!" a. Go back to the first thing I said. b. If it cant be settled, dont waste time arguing about it. 2. You say, "Well, it can be settledjust not with him." a. Then what you are saying is that person is too proud to reach a settlement. b. You should have nothing to do with such people. 3. You say, "I married one of them;" or "I birthed one of them." a. If it is a small child, spank that pride out of them. b. If it is too late, avoid disagreements as much as possible, c. Learn how to pray and fast. III. Ask the Lord for wisdom whenever you realize you are fussing! James 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. A. If you would stop to think about it, youd be surprised many times about your "fussing" habits. 1. Youd be surprised how many times you fuss before you realize it! a. Disagreements are all around us. b. We all have opinions and, if we are comfortable with the people we are around, we are going to express them, often without realizing it. 2. Youd be surprised how many different things you fuss about in one argument! a. In one argument, you will fuss about a several different situations. b. Sometimes, one thing just leads to the next. c. Often times, one of the other is drudging up unresolved issues from the past. 3. Youd be surprised how many times an argument turns from the issues all together and you start assaulting each others character. a. It is sad but common. b. One reason issues never get resolved is because most people dont stay on the topic that they are fussing about. 4. Youd be surprised how hurtful you can be when you fuss. a. Some people seem to think that the hurtful things you say when you are angry dont count. b. They do! James 3:5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. c. When you assassinate the character of one you say you love, you dont really love them at all. d. Eventually, they will figure that out too. 5. And youd be surprised how unimportant that hurtful fuss was. a. If you would notice, you be shocked to see how much hurt you inflicted or received over something that wasnt worth two seconds of your time. b. Now, some things are worth a good fuss. c. Some things are important to work out, but most of the time, we get around to those because we are all worked up about things which dont amount to a hill of beans. B. If you have something that is worth a fuss, a debate, an argument, a discussion, you need to pray and ask God to give you wisdom to do it correctly. C. Then you need to carry out your discussion in a Biblical way. 1. The Bible gives us many passages that apply to this kind of situation. Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christs sake hath forgiven you. 2. Ask God to help you do just that. IV. Place a time limit on fussing. A. Scripture commands Christians to settle our conflicts. Eph 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 1. Christians do not have the option of unsettled conflicts. 2. The Bible tells us to deal with whatever has angered us before the sun goes down. 3. If we do not, our fellowship with God will be hindered. Matt 5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. 4. Some Christians have not worshipped God in years because they have unsettled issues. B. Go to the person who has done you wrong or to whom you have done something wrong, and settle it! 1. Ask for forgiveness for the wrong you have done. a. If you did wrong, acknowledge it. b. If you can make it right, do so. 2. Explain to them the wrong they have done. a. If they are willing to make amends, let them. b. If they will not, tell them that you will forgive them anyway. c. Pray for them and love them in spite of what they do to you. C. And do all of that quickly. 1. Family and friend disputes should be settled before the sun goes down. 2. Sometimes, with distant relatives, businesses, or old issues, it may take a little longer, but get it settled. V. Use self control. A. Self-control, patience, long suffering – These are the characteristics of a Christian. Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Ephesians 4:1 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, 2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; B. Measure your response by the offense. 1. Dont treat a misunderstanding like a deliberate injury! 2. Dont treat suspicion like fact. C. Never behave like a lost person! 1. Dont use a lost persons vocabulary. 2. Dont shout like a lost person. 3. Dont accuse. 4. Dont get off topic. 5. Dont assassinate anyones character. D. Forget the psycho-babble stuff about venting and releasing your anger. 1. Dont punch pillows or go outside and scream. 2. Dont encourage your anger and certainly dont ignite your wrath. 3. Just go to the person and deal with it. 4. Get it settled then forget it! E. Remember other people have feelings too. F. Listen to explanations and accept apologies. 1. Perfect people have the right to expect perfection from others. Everybody has to give forgiveness. 2. Remember, you arent perfect but you have a perfect Master. a. If you are going to deal with others like they are perfect, He will deal with you like you are perfect. Matthew 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. b. Why did Jesus say that? Because people have the tendency to expect everyone else to treat them better than they treat others. (1) We do wrong and we want others to forgive us. (2) But when someone else does us wrong, we want to hold onto it. c. Only perfect people can expect perfection. d. But Jesus is perfect. e. There are two ways you can come to Him. (1) In your perfection. (2) In His forgiveness. f. But you must come to Him in the same manner you insist on others coming to you. 3. Dont demand what you cant give. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Humans are going to have disagreements. It is our nature. But through it all, we must be kind. Remember, kindness is the lubricant that makes it possible for human beings to live together.